


I'll wear black to our funeral

by dis0rderly



Series: the most powerful magic [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, M/M, Pre-Canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 12:16:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7507942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dis0rderly/pseuds/dis0rderly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That night, once Sirius’s things are put in with his, James gathers Sirius in his arms. Sirius falls asleep with James clinging on to him like it will be enough to hold him together.</p><p>(It is.) </p><p> </p><p>`one shot</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll wear black to our funeral

**i.**

Sirius meets Lily before James does, a hurricane of red barging into him from the side. They stumble, then topple in unison, trolleys and all. Like hurricanes do, she takes the wind out of him, literally, and from underneath her, he gasps out, “Mum!” to Walburga Black.

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Sirius,” his mother rolls her eyes. She whips out her wand and in one smooth movement, the two kids are upright. Walburga Black hisses, “stop acting like a savage and get out of my sight!”

Lily follows him, happily saying, “sorry about that, I’ve never been here before and it’s all so exciting.” She gives him a bright smile, green eyes flashing. “Platform 9 and ¾, can you imagine?”

“You must have grown up a Muggle then,” Sirius smiles back. It’s not a question, but Lily nods anyway. With a chuckle he says, “I’ve been around magic all my life, so I guess I can forgive you for almost breaking my bones.”

She laughs easily before catching sight of Severus Snape— _my best friend, you know!_ —and waves in goodbye.

“Hey, wait,” he calls after her. She turns back, between Sirius and the black-haired wimp looking at him suspiciously. “My name’s Sirius.”

“I’m Lily.”

Sirius whispers it, tries it out just once, as he’s struggling to push his luggage up. Repeats it in his head when he catches sight of her in the train. For the next six hours, the bright green of her eyes never leaves his mind.

.

.

If Lily is a hurricane, James is fire, but not the kind Sirius knows how to put out. Fiendfyre, it’s called. Sirius has read about it in one of the top shelf books at the Grimmauld Place library. It’s Dark, like James’s hair. Sirius is not sure that James is a fire that he ever wants to put out.

Talking to James is easy, easier than any of his other family (except Andy, maybe). They spend the entire train ride in conversation and Sirius forgets to watch the window as the England that he knows slips away. James has the kind of effect on Sirius that he barely notices anything else. Sirius doesn’t mind.

 _Another Black!_ Sirius hears in his head, hands holding the sides of his stool. _You’d be wanting Slytherin, aye? All you Blacks do._

Sirius grips the stool so tightly, his knuckles turn white. _I’m not like the other Blacks. I want to be with James, I want to be with James, I want to be with James._

 _He’s the Potter boy, isn't he?_ the Sorting Hat whispers. _Well then you’d best be in_ “GRYFFINDOR!”

Sirius smirks, like he knew that was going to happen, then makes his way to the cheering table. The Howler that drops beside his plate the next morning is worth it when he sees James doubled over with laughter.

.

.

**ii.**

Taunting Snivellus becomes a favourite past time, even without James around. There’s just something about him that ticks Sirius off. More often than not, Lily is a package deal. But Lily becomes

“Evans.”

and Sirius becomes

“Black.”

And he has pretty much almost forgotten that she was the nice girl who bumped into him at the station. It doesn’t really matter, since Sirius has Jamie. And Remus and Peter. And they are the best crew he’s ever had, definitely better than Bella and Cissy.

.

.

But it’s Lily who teaches him how to place a Permanent Sticking Charm.

“What are you doing?” Lily’s voice calls out from the side. Sirius is in an old hallway, leaning on a witch statue with a large hump.

“Waiting for James,” Sirius answers after a quick glance in her direction. He says it like it should be obvious; James has Quidditch practice right now. The paper he’s got glued to the wall comes off with an easy _Finite Encantatem_ and he swears.

“But what are you doing, Black?” Lily asks him, nearing now. She motions to his Potions essay stuck to the stone and undoes the spell, it flutters to the floor.

 _None of your business, Evans,_ he almost spits out. But he’s only ever nasty when her worse half is around. Instead he says, “trying to figure out how to stick my Gryffindor posters on to my walls at home. Mum’ll have a field day!”

He throws her a grin, then focuses on the charm again. She undoes his charm a second time and Sirius makes an irritated noise.

“Here, this is how you do it.” Lily slides down to sit next to him on the floor. Their elbows bump and his eyes narrow at the invasion of lavender in his nose. But he makes no comment.

They spend the afternoon practicing.

When Sirius goes home for Christmas, he jots down a quick letter to her in thanks. _Mum was so mad she put on two different pairs of shoes!_

.

.

He spends New Year’s with the Potters, because the house is terribly off-putting if he’s to greet a new year in the environment he wants to surround himself with. He’s been doing it at Grimmauld Place for the last eleven years of his life and _I’m twelve now, mum, so I can definitely be a proper visiting pure-blood_ and _please please please_.

Walburga and Orion may be horrid parents, but it’s the season of giving so he finds himself at Godric’s Hollow with a bag of clothes and his red and gold scarf being wrapped around his neck a little too tightly by his mother. The Potter house elf waits by the doorway and with two leaping steps, Sirius is finally home.

.

.

They are looking at a twinkling Astronomical map, James listening to Sirius’s explanation and following the motions of his index finger. As night falls, James knows about as much as his best friend and has wholly convinced his father to charm his ceiling to be a miniature version of their known universe. The New Year is filled with fireworks but the best thing about it is the warmth of Sirius’s shoulder next to his.

“Have you ever kissed someone?” James asks suddenly, and is ever so grateful that his parents called for lights out two hours ago. The hand Sirius was using to manoeuvre the map drops on the bed with a shocked thump.

“Don’t you think I’d tell you if I have?” Sirius finally says, his tone coloured with embarrassment. He keeps his eyes trained on the soft twinkling above them but can feel James looking right at him. Finally he blurts, “have you?”

“Nah. Don’t you think I’d tell you if I have?” James teases, nudging Sirius’s shoulder with his. Sirius lets out a laughing breath, surprised at his relief. “Anyway, I was thinking—”

“That’s never good,” Sirius cuts him off and gets a punch to the gut. The ensuing grapple leaves them sweaty and giggling as they settle back side by side. “Right, so you were thinking?”

“Oh, yeah, I was,” and now it’s James who sounds awkward. A strange sound starts in Sirius’s head as he waits, almost like a ticking. In a rush, James blurts out, “maybe we should practice together.” And like it wasn’t obvious, he explains. “Kissing, I mean.”

Sirius is quiet for so long that James is about to rescind his suggestion, but he finally whispers, “okay.”

He turns to James, earnestly, reverently. They sit up, unable to speak in fear that the other will run away. Eventually, awkwardly, lips meet. It is a strange feeling, but not unwelcome, like a soft pillow, dry and wet at the same time. They kiss a few more times before settling into bed, breathless and silenced by their own actions. It is broken by James’s burning cheek on his shoulder and an arm thrown haphazardly around his torso. James mumbles a _thank you goodnight_ , and with a happy sigh, closes his eyes.

Just as James is starting to snore, Sirius realises that the strange sound in his head is the rush of his heart beating.

.

.

James wakes up alone, slightly put off and slightly embarrassed. He rolls out of bed and drags on a robe before rushing down to the dining room. The sound of laughter slows his steps to a steady walk in.

“And so Reggie was—well there you are,” Sirius catches sight of James and beams at him, eyes twinkling mischievously. James fights to keep the blush from his face.

“Jamie, dear, you must stop sleeping in or your body will become familiar with it,” his mother admonishes. His dad chuckles and comments that he’s a growing boy. And they are off into a familiar morning conversation.

“Sleep well?” Sirius asks, nudging the plate of bacon in his direction. Mopsy snaps a new table setting before resuming her cooking, pillowcase waving with her movement. James barely notices, burning up under Sirius’s teasing gaze.

“Best sleep I’ve had in a while,” James finally says, looking Sirius dead on, almost challengingly. The smile grows impossibly bigger and James feels his lips tugging up. They go back to their pancakes, goofy grins on like they’ve been Confunded. Off-handedly James thinks that he’s never felt as home as he does with Sirius sitting across the table, stuffing his face with a folded up pancake.

Then Sirius winks and the blush is back.

.

.

When the group finds out about Remus being a werewolf, it’s dead quiet. Remus’s face turns from nervous to anguished within seconds.

“Are you serious?” James breaks the silence. Everyone holds their breath.

“Well, no, I am,” Sirius finally says. And like a dam has burst, they’re all laughing, Peter a little nervously still. Tears of laughter are running down his eyes as he tackles Remus in a bear hug. James falls on top, then lastly, Peter jumps in until they are all punching the wind out of Remus. “Thought we’d hate you, Remus? I’m not that easy to get rid of, am I?”

“Thanks, mate.” A smile breaks through Remus’s pale face. Sirius smiles in return and he doesn’t have to look back to know that everyone is grinning down at their friend.

When everyone has settled back into their four corners of the bed, James eyes Remus solemnly. In a deadpan, he whispers, “So tell us more about your furry, little problem.”

They’re howling with laughter and Sirius is glad that they’re the only four in the dormitory.

.

.

**iii.**

He’s a little offended when Lily is surprised that he’s smart.

“Not everyone reads like you do, Evans,” Sirius sniffs, tipping his chin up and looking down at her in typical Black fashion. “Not everyone has to.”

“I was only joking, Black.” She laughs, a shock of red hair shaking with her laughter and touching him as the night draft blows in his direction. “I only ever see Remus and Peter studying. It’s not like you and Potter ever apply yourselves.”

Sirius grins down at his Astronomy partner, dropping his haughty act. “Why should I, when I can get by on my devilishly good looks?”

“What good looks?”

“Oy!”

James looks over from the telescope he’s sharing with a girl from Hufflepuff, raising his eyebrow at Lily’s laugh. Sirius pulls down one eye bag and sticks his tongue out at his friend. Then he turns to Lily, who gives a nod,

“An improvement to your face.”

.

.

If Remus and Peter find it odd that Sirius and James share a bed every now and then, they make no comment. Sirius becomes used to the heavy heat of James thrown over his body, the even sound of his snores, his breath tickling at collar bone. James, for his part, thinks Sirius to be the puppy he was never allowed to have. Who is he to deprive the boy?

But it does start feeling a little weird when his warm feelings go southward. He’s thirteen, for Merlin’s sake, there’s only so much skin contact he can take before it affects him. James sleeps on, impervious to Sirius’s restless movements.

Some nights he thinks of their New Year’s sleepover and feels the heat spreading throughout his body, wiggling to keep a distance from his best friend. Most nights he gives in to it, tucking himself further into James with a quiet, shaky sigh. Tonight, James has already coiled an arm and a leg around him, clutching at Sirius’s like his body is afraid that the other will leave.

“Go to sleep, Siri,” the voice behind his shoulder croaks and Sirius freezes. James kisses the back of his neck then presses his forehead where his mouth was, sealing in the press of lips. The tension seeps out of Sirius’s back as he finally succumbs to sleep.

They have not kissed since the night many months ago, but Sirius cannot help but flush.

.

.

“C’mon, Mum, it’s not like you even want me to be here,” Sirius follows Walburga Black down into the living room. She sneers at that but gives no reply. Sirius is still listing down reasons for why he’d be a bother when his mother finds the name she’s been looking for and burns it with a flick of her wand. “Mum! What did you do that to Andy’s name for?”

“Did you not read the papers this morning, Sirius? Your cousin’s gone and married that Mudblood.” She shivers like someone’s died. In a pained whisper, she says, “their children will be half-bloods.”

“Nice,” Sirius blurts out, eyes bright with amusement. Then his smile drops as his mother’s lips thin into a line. With laughter still in his eyes, Sirius says, “I’m just joking Mum!”

“Oh honestly, Sirius, this isn’t a topic to joke about,” Walburga makes her way out, Sirius in tow.

“Now about staying at the Potters…”

.

.

In the end, she gives in, even though he’s _already there every other bloody day, Sirius!_ He knew she would, he’s a boil in the behind when he doesn’t get what he wants. It is one of the more endearing characteristics he gets from his family…seriously.

“Mum, Dad, Jamie! I’m home!” Sirius calls out from the gate of Godric’s Hollow. From where he stands, Sirius hears James’s roar of excitement and the thunder of footsteps racing down the stairs. Within seconds the front door bursts open and James has tackled Sirius.

“Took you long enough, you wanker,” James laughs out, butting his chin into Sirius’s Gryffindor scarf. Sirius gets James into a headlock and they scuffle until the Potters are standing by the doorway, laughing softly. Sirius lets go of James to give his second—better—parents a hug.

“Good to see you, Sirius,” Euphemia Potter winds her hand into his hair as Mr. Potter pats his back. “James was bored out of his mind without you around.”

“Don’t tell him that, Mum,” James groans, pulling Sirius’s luggage to the doorway. “His head will inflate so much he won’t get through the door.”

“Oh, be quiet, you,” Fleamont Potter chuckles, getting all of Sirius’s things in the air with a flick of his wand. “If you can get through, I’m sure Sirius can manage.”

James’s jaw drops in indignation and Sirius laughs so hard he keels over.

.

.

James’s dad has transfigured his bed to fit Sirius, so they can kick each other’s feet when the other is just about to fall asleep.

“Do you think I should ask Alice Lockheart to the next Hogsmeade visit?” Sirius asks, eyes tracing at constellations above them.

“She’s way too pretty for you, mate,” James answers. Sirius kicks his calf and he laughs, turning his body over to lie side by side with Sirius. “Sure, why not?”

“Dunno, thought you fancied her.” He’s still looking at stars, mouthing their names. _Ah, Canis Major. Oh there I am!_

“Well you dated Irina Longbottom and you didn’t mind when I went after her,” James counters, gaze still focused on the shape of Sirius’s mouth.

“And she will always hate you most,” Sirius sniggers and James wakes from his stupor to look up at the map of stars. “Bilius Weasley can have her.”

James lifts a finger to point at the brightest star on his ceiling. _There you are, Siri._ He turns his head to look at Sirius, who twists his body to face the other. Sirius’s hand moves to touch James’s cheek, his eyes softening at the contented sound that James makes. _Here I am, Jamie._

.

.

“We just came to make sure that Sirius wasn’t causing any trouble, Euphemia,” Sirius’s mother tells Mrs. Potter.

“Not to worry, Walburga,” Fleamont Potter chimes in. “He and James can hardly do anything with us old folks here.”

As he’s finishing his sentence, James and Sirius stumble into the hallway, covered in frosting and sword fighting with spatulas. Still laughing, Sirius turns at the familiar sigh of exasperation.

“Happy Christmas, Mum!” Sirius ignores her indignant face, still waving the spatula at James. He turns to his father. “And you, Dad.” Then spies Regulus. “Wimp.”

Walburga looks pointedly at Mrs. Potter, who shrugs with a smile. Then Sirius’s father pulls out a large, jingling pouch and hands it to his son with a brusque, “Happy Christmas.”

“Thoughtful as always with your gifts, kind Sir,” Sirius salutes his father with a straight face. James chokes, trying to hold in his laughter.

“We were going to give you coal,” Regulus sniffs scornfully.

Walburga Black whacks her youngest son in the head with an eye roll as they make their way to the front door without turning back to say goodbye. Sirius swears he hears her saying, _did I raise trolls?_

.

.

**iv.**

Remus’s furry little problem isn’t as funny as it was in second year when Snivelly finds out. Sirius gets in so much trouble, but mostly he feels bad that James does, too.

“Just don’t do it again, Siri,” James tells him, busy scrubbing at the toilet floor. “We don’t need other people knowing about Remus.”

“Sorry, Jamie,” Sirius feels his frown deepening. He hadn’t really thought of that when he had wanted to scare Snape.

“I’m not mad,” James throws a fluffy block of soapsuds at him with a small, understanding smile. “Hug to make it better?”

“I’d like that,” Sirius answers back, a little sarcastic, a lot pleased. The weight in his chest disappears and Sirius feels warm inside. They bump each other’s shoulders as they work into the night.

Sirius apologises to Remus when the boy returns the next morning. His apology is sincere and he finds himself apologising every now and then for the next few months but—

The guilt is gone the moment Jamie smiled. When soapy hands grabbed at his face and a _your face is ugly when you pout, smile for me please, Siri_ fills the bathroom because—

but—

because—

James is the only absolution Sirius has ever needed.

.

.

For the son of the man who invented Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion, James obviously has no idea what to do with his. He begins to do this strange thing where he likes to rumple his already messy hair.It frustrates Sirius to no end because sometimes James is just _such a bloody idiot, you really think girls like that?_ For a while, the two are barely together. They’ve reached a point in life when girls are suddenly more important. It’s forgivable, kind of.

“Sirius,” Alice Lockheart calls his attention. He flicks his eyes back to her, then pulls a simper that makes her melt. Sirius reaches over to kiss her, swift with just a faint touch from his tongue.

“Sorry, love, just thinking about all the work I have to do.” It’s not a lie, per se, he actually does have plenty of unfinished work. Topped with his ever so charming smile and Alice has already forgotten what she has called his attention for. She returns to her chatter as Sirius looks down at his still empty piece of parchment, hidden from her view.

With a start, he realises that he has once again zoned out on the rumpled mop of hair that is James Potter.

.

.

It’s probably nothing—since he’s Sirius and _when has he ever been serious?_ —but lately, Sirius has been a little bit friendly with Lily. The friendly that doesn’t stay just friends.

Lily finds that when Sirius is a separate being from the typical _JamesandSirius_ , he’s a much, much more likeable person. He’s not always showing off for his friends or trying to one up one or the other. Sirius is just Sirius, pure-blood boy who grew up with horrendous parents in a big house filled with nothing but elitist superstition.

Sirius allows himself a victorious smirk when he hears Lily’s signature snort. They’ve stayed Astronomy partners for the past three assignments, something that James continuously tries and fails to take advantage of.

.

.

Alice watches, she’s always been good at it. She watches every touch and every smile that passes between James and Sirius. She watches the curve of Sirius’s mouth, the soft running of fingers on his shoulder, the ease, the warmth. She watches, and she waits.

And she wonders if James and Sirius have any clue.

.

.

“Oh come off it, Black,” Lily giggles into her porridge. This causes Sirius to laugh without having even finished his lavish story of James’s atrocious plans to ask Lily out for the Valentine’s weekend at Hogsmeade.

“And.” Snort. “He was.” Snort snort. “Going to get a.” Snort. “Gnome to sing to you.”

With this he cackles before crumpling into himself in silent laughter, tears now blinding his sight. Lily laughs mostly because Sirius has lost the ability to move. Then when her laughter has died down and he is starting to get in breaths between his laughter, Lily satisfies herself with looking at Sirius.

James is good looking from afar, hair askew and glasses constantly being pushed up his beautiful nose. Sirius is a masterpiece from every angle, but the kind that is merely a charcoal sketch with rough edges. He has never had to think about how to attract a girl. Lily can feel how his natural friendliness, charming wit, and mischievous smile affect even her.

“Lil?” Sirius breaks Lily from her daydream, sloppily eating his bacon in a way that is perversely delicious to see. Lily laughs at herself and shakes her head, going back to her own meal and picking up a raspberry with her spoon.

Sirius gives a sniff but doesn’t ask. He knows.

.

.

**v.**

“You going to bed?” James yawns from Sirius’s lap. His eyes are glazed after just finishing his Defence essay. Sirius has already moved on to practicing their assigned Transfiguration exercise, whispering the words and making precise wand movements. “You have the whole weekend to finish up and I want to start on Hogsmeade early so we can be back before sunset.”

“We’ll be too exhausted from tomorrow night to get through the rest of our work, Jamie.” Sirius stays in the same position, his nose crinkling with frustration. His concentration is broken when James’s hands move to cover his.

“It’s like this,” James adjusts the form of his wand, pushing one finger a little more to the right. When Sirius tries again, he does it perfectly and he has to laugh as James’s smug smile is ruined by the loudest yawn of the night. “I’m tired.”

“Alright, alright, let’s go.” Sirius stands so quickly that James rolls to the floor with a heavy thump. Sirius is up the stairs before James is able to recover and he has to scramble to reach their dormitory door at the same time as his best friend. James stops Sirius right before they enter.

“Hug to make it better?”

“I’d like that,” Sirius confesses, the strain on his shoulder loosening at James’s touch. “Sorry I’ve been such a wanker. Dad and mum have been pretty rough on me since finding out I didn’t become a prefect.”

James snorts and comments, “you wouldn’t like it anyway. You wouldn’t get to spend as much time with me.”

They need their sleep so they stay in their separate beds for the night. The two boys make crude hand gestures and stick their tongues out at each other and even from across the room, the sense of being connected remains in the air.

.

.

 

When James notices the growing friendship between Sirius and Lily turning in another direction, he doesn’t comment on it. Sirius doesn’t say anything either, mostly because he’s grateful to James and he never says thank you, partly because he’s not sure how to explain their friendship either.

It’s almost unsettling how much Sirius enjoys her company, and not the way he usually enjoys girls. Oftentimes, the attractions in his friendships end up leading to relationships. Lily is the first girl friend that Sirius has whom he does not feel the immediate desire to ask out.

Not that she is unattractive. Sirius gives her a sideways look as she bites into the plume of her quill, red hair falling away from behind her ear. They have had their moments, which is what scares him the most. The kind of moments that should come with a kiss but haven’t, leaving him both confused and frustrated with himself. Lily likes Sirius, and he likes her. It shouldn’t be any more complicated but it is.

Sirius settles himself further into the cushions with a slight huff that gets Lily’s attention.

“Oh, I’m sorry, is doing homework not your idea of fun?” Lily teases with an easy smile. From behind her, the snow has slowed down to a soft fall. Sirius looks out the window with a face of childish wonder.

When he returns his gaze to Lily, a wide grin takes up half his face. He drags her out of the castle without another word, Lily giggling with glee as she is thrown into a pile of snow.

And they have another moment.

.

.

Like the well maintained grandfather clock in his living room, Sirius knows when everything must end. He breaks up with Alice without flourish. He graces her with a resigned smile and a box of chocolates because _it was fun for a while but it was never really going to work out, was it?_

She doesn’t cry or hit him or even raise her voice. They speak in hushed tones, stooped close to each other, as they have been doing for more than one year. Unlike James, Sirius has never had any trouble with his girls.

They go back to finishing their Transfiguration essays, legs just a little bit further from each other than before. An hour later, popping a chocolate in her mouth, Alice looks at Sirius thoughtfully. “It’s James, isn’t it?”

Alice was Sirius’s longest relationship, long enough that she has seen their group dynamic and become part of it in a way. Like his other girls, she’s always had a feeling. But the look in his eyes betrays him and now she truly knows.

He steals a chocolate and bites into it loudly, refusing to answer. She shakes her head and tries not to roll her eyes, to which Sirius throws a crumpled piece of parchment at her and a paper war ensues.

“I’ll miss the sex,” she whispers half-jokingly. Sirius chokes down a laugh, then sighs as he leans back into his seat.

“Yeah, me too,” Sirius admits, sounding like there’s a but to his sentence. Then the Quidditch team comes in from training and anything he would have said is lost as his eyes brighten at the flash of round glasses stumbling through the portrait. She shrugs and returns to her essay without pushing for more, because she already knows.

_It was always going to be James._

.

.

 

Lily is on the floor of the common room painting with her fingers, her hair tied back in a bun so messy that strands of red are slipping through. She hasn't even noticed, teeth biting into her bottom lip as she focuses. When Sirius sits himself carefully on the rug, her eyes flick to him quickly before returning to her work.

"They're just flowers, Lily," Sirius tell her, amusement in his tone. He makes a show of putting his hand out to ruin her painting and receives a quick slap on it. "Oy! Play nice.”

"Painting won't really be relaxing if I have idiots bugging me," Lily teases, expecting Sirius to react at the last part. He doesn't disappoint, spluttering in protest. She laughs and he settles back into his conjured back rest.

"You don't even look like you're having fun," Sirius slowly extends his arm, then his hand, and finally a long finger, an artwork in himself. He gently pokes at the little bump her eyebrows have made from knitting together. Lily's eyebrows jump up, surprised from the touch, but she makes no other movement further or nearer from him.

"I am," Lily finally argues, after taking a moment to absorb what just happened. Sirius isn't rattled at all, clearly feeling that they are close enough for touches. He scoots in, seeing that she has allowed him into her personal space, then looks down at her painting: a field of green, flecked with oranges, reds, and yellows.

"Pretty," Sirius comments, then gives her a small, honest smile. It must be the first time he's ever looked his age and Lily feels herself melting just a little.

"You'd like to try, wouldn't you?" Lily gives Sirius shifty eyes and his smile grows wider. Without another word, Lily conjures a new canvas and moves her pots of paint towards him.

"How utterly Muggle this is," Sirius notes ten minutes in, sounding both amused and awed by the simplicity of a five-year old past time. When James comes in, he leaps on to Sirius from the side while Lily quietly giggles. From underneath his best friend comes a muffled, "watch the painting, mate!”

Once James has settled into his own set of cushions, he makes the same insults over the primitive ways of finger painting but takes to it just the same. It's past lunch when they all get up, walking together to steal something to eat from the kitchen. While the two boys push and trip at each other, Sirius and James both flash Lily a quick smile. Her lips move to smile back before she has even realised.

This is when it starts.

.

.

“Mum, Dad, Jamie! I’m home!” Sirius calls from the Floo. A group of steps make their way to the living room, confused chatter growing louder.

“—thought you said he wasn’t coming until the end of summer?” Fleamont Potter’s voice makes its way to his ears. Then the family of three is at the doorway, frozen in shock.

“Siri?” James asks worriedly, still unmoving. Bags hit the carpet, tipping Sirius’s school trunk with them.

“Oh, Sirius,” Euphemia finally breaks the tableau, stepping closer and opening her arms up for Sirius to launch himself into. He promptly bursts into tears, shaking so hard that he moves Mrs. Potter with him. James and his father inch closer tentatively until they can both lay a hand on Sirius.

“It’s all right, Sirius, we’re here now,” his father covers the group in a warm grip. James's throat closes up as Sirius howls into his mother’s shoulder. Tears make their way down James’s own face, unable to accept the sight of his best friend crying for the first time. They are a sorry sight, and yet, Sirius is home.

That night, once Sirius’s things are put in with his, James gathers Sirius in his arms. Sirius falls asleep with James clinging on to him like it will be enough to hold him together.

(It is.)

.

.

**vi.**

Lily gets a whiff of Amortentia and shuts her mouth, refusing to mention what she smells. She’d rather lose the Felix Felicis than give herself away.

But for weeks, her dreams are haunted by the aroma of pine needles, cigarette smoke, and laundry detergent.

.

.

Sirius gives another sigh, biting into his Chocolate Frog a little more fiercely than necessary. Alice flicks a slightly irritated glance at him before putting down her text.

"You've been doing that for the past half hour and quite frankly, you're getting on my nerves," Alice tells him. Sirius takes another bite at the chocolate, ignoring Alice, then sighs again. “Well, what is it then?”

"I miss having sex." He says it so pointedly that Alice needs a few moments to compose herself.

"And what do you propose I do to help? I'm with Frank," Alice chides, although she knows that she never really had to remind him. As soon as she gets over the shock of it, she's not at all that surprised by Sirius.

Sirius gives a dismissive wave of his hand, sinking further into his seat. "Do you know of any birds who want to be friends and still suck my—“

"I'm so glad we broke up," Alice cuts him off with a laugh. He gives her a brash smile, properly chastened.

"You were my last girlfriend and I haven't even dated since then," Sirius tells her, twisting at the wrapper of his Cauldron Cake. He runs a hand through his hair, slightly frustrated by his situation. "I don't think I've ever gone this long without at least kissing someone.”

"Padfoot!" James calls out his name as soon as he enters. And as if it isn't enough, he waves, before making his way to Sirius and Alice. His hair is straighter than usual, still wet from a shower, and he walks with tired muscles from training. Sirius finds that he can’t stop watching, James’s own eyes locked on his.

Alice raises her eyebrow, her glare burning into him. Sirius finally breaks eye contact and looks at her, biting the inside of his mouth in an effort to keep his face blank. She sees right through it, laughing softly before picking up a Peppermint Toad and popping it into her mouth. "It's by choice, though, isn't it, Siri?”

He gives her a look but nods, eyes moving back to watch James’s slow approach. "Yes, I guess it is."

.

.

"Why don't I get to be friends with Evans?" James’s pout is cancelled out by the fact that he's trying to trip Sirius on the way to the Great Hall.

"Why don't you ask her yourself, mate," Sirius chuckles as they near the Gryffindor tables for breakfast. Peter looks up from his goblet to give a shy smile before returning to his attempts at conjuring Firewhiskey. Lily has already started on her fruit, peaking at the headlines from Remus’s copy of the morning papers. She greets him absently, still reading.

"Hey Evans," James calls out. Lily lifts her eyes, gives him a cool look, then returns to the latest news. He sits beside Remus, across of her. James piles his plate with sausage, eggs, and toast before turning his unwanted attention back to her. "So Evans, why does Sirius get to be your friend while I barely get a hello?”

"Actually Peter and Remus are my friends, too," Lily points out nonchalantly before eating a piece of dragon-fruit. Sirius snorts loudly into his pudding and even Remus and Peter cannot seem to hide their chuckles.

"Well what's wrong with me then?" James looks affronted, pushing his hair to make it look even messier and (in his opinion) more attractive. "I have no idea why you'd prefer these wankers.”

"Oy!" The three boys speak up collectively. Lily only laughs lightly, finishing the last of her fruit.

"If you must know, Potter,” Lily stands and gathers her things. "It's because they treat me like a person, not a challenge. I'll see you in class Peter, Remus." She gives James a pointed look before turning to Sirius and smiling as wide as she can. "Sirius.”

The sounds of three different sets of laughter and one protest follow her on her way out.

.

.

Lily is throwing pebbles harshly out at the water, mumbling quiet curses to the air. Her movements are short and angry, blinded by the screen of tears she refuses to cry.

"Lil," Sirius has his hands up and is at a safe distance away. He feels like he’s trying to approach a scary dog and wants to point it out, though he keeps his mouth for the sake of the situation. He can be serious sometimes, too.

"I'm mad at you, too." Her tone is clipped. "Teasing Severus even if he called me a—" Her voice falters and she turns back to throwing rocks at the Black Lake. After a few moments, Sirius sits by her feet.

"Can I tell you something?" Sirius watches the rock sink into the water, making a little tsking noise. She throws one more before joining Sirius. Lily turns and gives an affirming nod. "You know that I'm a pure-blood of course.”

"Sirius, I don't exactly want to be reminded about Seve— _Snivellus_ right now," Lily tells him bitterly, the new name still unfamiliar on her mouth.

"No, this is important," Sirius protests. With a resigned sigh, Lily puts her chin on her knees. He takes her silence as a sign to continue. "Okay, well, I honestly think a part of me became so close to James because we're both from pure-blood families. And—” She moves to stand but Sirius grips her wrist. “—wait, Lily, I'm not yet done. And I think that I never hated muggle-borns, I just didn't see them as the kind of people I'd be friends with.” He has to hold on to her harder now. "But what I'm trying to say, and not very well, mind you, is that all of my previous opinions have changed. More and more you show me how brilliant you are and I don't even think about your parentage. It's been a while since I've cared if my friends had Wizarding blood in them.”

"So you've what? Magically come to the conclusion that my kind are worthy because the two of us have become friends?" Lily asks bitingly. She doesn’t mean for it to hurt but it somehow does, her own words hurting her just a little. Sirius lets out a frustrated breath.

"That's not it at all. I've been learning since I met you, Lily," Sirius bumps shoulders with the girl in an attempt to diffuse the anger in the air. "And I've come to the conclusion that we're all the same: pure-blood, half-blood, muggle-born. It's our actions that show who we truly are. Snivellus isn't a nice guy, you can see it from the crowd he hangs out with. James, daft as he is, has his heart in a good place and shares half my brain. Remus and Peter, they're the nicest people I've ever met and the greatest friends I could ask for.”

He lets her absorb what he’s trying to say before continuing. “And you, you're a good person. You used to help me with my homework before you even liked me! And you can stand to be my friend without expecting anything back. So I just don’t want you doubting yourself and your worth because some idiot boy tells you. Be it Snivelly or even James." He pauses for a moment, thinking. "Or me. I think you're the best girl friend a guy can have without thinking with his pants. But even I can't tell you who you are, and I swear I never will.”

Lily sniffles, finally succumbing to the hurt that Severus caused. Sirius, going through a range of emotions—surprise, confusion, panic—finally puts an awkward arm around her shoulders. When she tucks herself into him and promptly bursts into tears against his chest, Sirius knows he has done the right thing.

"Enough of this," Lily says after her sobs have reduced to hiccups. She stands and grabs another pebble, throwing it out into the lake. It sinks as soon as it hits the water.

"That is pathetic," Sirius comments lightly before standing. His stone skips four times and Lily mumbles how unfair it is that he's good at everything. He laughs quietly, the sound blowing away with the night wind. Sirius stands behind Lily, putting his arm around her frame once more but going further and grabbing her hand as well. "Come on, I'll teach you then.”

She feels a flush run through her body as the stone skips once, in tune with her heart.

.

.

“You’re growing,” Alice comments, tickling his nose with her feather quill. Sirius swats it away and stands with a macho look on his face.

“I’d like to hope so,” Sirius puts on a deeper tone, flexing his arms the way he’s seen in Muggle advertisements. Alice laughs and throws a piece of crumpled parchment at him. He dodges with ease and barks adorably.

“I was just about to say that you’re maturing,” she tells him, shaking her head but unable to keep herself from laughing at his usual antics. “And yet you constantly prove me wrong."

.

.

"I have a request and I know you'll find it odd," Lily mumbles from the side of her mouth. Sirius is copying down the ingredients for Shrinking Solution. He holds up his hand to make her stop until he returns with everything they need. When Sirius gives a nod she says, "I want you to teach me how to kiss.”

Sirius jumps in shock and promptly knocks down his empty cauldron. Then he turns to their professor and gives an easy smile. "I'm terribly sorry, my fault completely.”

“Focus on the lesson or you’ll be losing points, Black.”

Once he has turned back to Lily, Sirius looks distrustfully at his Potions partner. Lily fiddles with her wand nervously, smiling shyly up at him. After a long silence he says, "Lily, that is the most ridiculous idea ever and I am appalled that you'd think I would agree to this.”

"Don't pull that righteous tone with me!" Lily hisses. A few of their classmates glance at them, only to return to their work at the scathing look Sirius gives. An embarrassed blush has started to make its way to her cheeks but Lily refuses to take back her request. “I know you’ve been looking for a special friend and honestly, I’m sixteen years old, Sirius, I don’t want to remain ignorant forever.” She says more but her words fall on deaf ears. Half-way through the potion making, when he continues to ignore her, she gets desperate with her rambling. “I could go to anyone else, you know.”

It’s an empty threat. Sirius stiffens anyway. He turns sharply to face her and Lily feels her resolve falter a little at the intensity of his gaze. She almost doesn’t hear what he says.

“I’ll do it."

.

.

It starts simple enough, just a peck to gauge how it feels. Mostly it feels soft, but inside, Lily feels a flutter. Sirius looks a little pained, much like he does not want to be doing this. He continues anyway, because _it’s just a kiss…isn’t it_?

Lily, ever the quick study, is the second person to ever leave Sirius breathless. She takes to kissing like a fish to water, finding that she quite likes the press of lips on hers. Then she is chasing his tongue as Sirius tries to pull away. With a groan he grips her arms, forcibly placing distance between them.

“Are we done?” Sirius fights to control his voice. This is Lily—his Lily, _James’s Lily_ —making him harder than marble.

“No,” she answers simply, before stepping into his space and kissing him again. Sirius’s resolve breaks when she presses her body on to his, and, feeling him on her stomach, makes a needy whimper.

When they finally slip out of the Room of Requirement, they’re both sweaty and terribly pleased. Sirius checks the Map to find the best possible route back to the Gryffindor common room, mumbling, “James is going to curse my bollocks off.”

Lily's laughter hits his ears, bell-like and sweet.

.

.

James doesn’t curse him, but the shattered look on his face is even worse.

“It doesn’t mean anything to me, mate,” Sirius tries to explain, then backtracks at the look of indignation the crosses his best friend’s face. “Jamie, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not using her or anything, you know I don’t do that. Look, she…dammit, she asked.”

“She asked to kiss you? You?” James gives him an unbelieving look that leaves Sirius feeling a little bit irritated.

“Oy, she’s not the first person to do that,” Sirius huffs. James goes red, spelling his curtains shut and putting up a Muffliato.

“You’re snogging for practice?” Sirius nods and James breathes out roughly, trying to calm his jealousy. He flops onto the pillows, looking up at the old wooden frames. “I just don’t get why she’d need to go and ask you when she can go on actual dates. She has to know that you’re nothing more than a good time.”

And that hurts. Sirius stiffens and fixes James with a cold look, not even bothering to keep the bite out of his words. “Contrary to what you think, girls actually like me and trust me to a perfect gentleman with them. I’m sorry if all you see in me is a boy that can be used like a toy.”

“Siri? Sirius. Sirius!” James watches as the other boy flings the curtains away and stomps out of the dorms. With a sigh, he hides his face in his hands and lets out an angry, muted shout.

James wakes up to the kind of cold that means he had slept alone.

.

.

It is the loneliest two days of his life and Sirius almost wants to run to James except that the bloody wanker really did hurt his feelings and he can barely look at his best friend without hearing the _nothing more than a good time_ taunting him.

James has been trying to catch his eye the entire lesson and when the class finishes, he calls out Sirius’s name. Sirius redirects to an unused path, further from the Gryffindor Tower but also further from James. “Stop ignoring me, Sirius. Sirius!”

“Piss off, James.”

James slams Sirius to the wall, looking angry and oh so broken. “I’m sorry, Sirius,” he whispers. _Come back, come back to me_ , he wants to say. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“I think you did though,” Sirius is practically arctic and James wants to cry because he’s never looked at him that way before.

“I didn’t, please, Siri,” James puts his entire weight on the other boy to keep him from moving away. He drops his head on Sirius’s shoulder.

“You used me as your little experiment in second year and you only touch girls a particular way after trying it out on me. Lily might not be using me, but you are, aren’t you?” Sirius’s voice breaks at the last word as he tries to speak over James’s _no no no_.

“I’m not using you, okay? I’ll stop, I swear, I—” James tenses. His words are whispered so quietly into Sirius’s chest that they are almost carried away by the draught. “I love you.”

_So much. I’d never purposely hurt you. Don’t ignore more anymore, please. I miss you I love you I love you._

Sirius stops struggling, arms dropping to his side as he processes what James has said. Then he slowly pushes James away, looking at the mortified face of his best friend. He looks straight into James’s hazel eyes, thinking, _I’ve always loved James’s eyes the best_.

James is shaking and Sirius sighs, putting a hand to his cheek. Finally he says, “you have a very poor way of showing that you love someone, James.”

He walks the long way back to the common room.

.

.

“Hug to make it better?”

“I’d like that.”

.

.

“Sleep well?” Sirius asks.

“Best sleep I’ve had in a while,” James admits.

Sirius’s lips curve into a smile and James falls into the space next to him.

.

.

Lily loses her virginity to Sirius a few days before the holidays. The Room of Requirement is set up romantically except for the bowl of Chocolate Frogs by the bedside table. It is the singular strangest and most pleasurable thing she has ever experienced, and she does not expect the abundance of laughter between the two of them while it’s happening.

When it is over, Sirius kisses her shoulder with a happy sound. Lily can’t help but stare. Since James has started dating again, Sirius has focused more on her. And she is completely filled by his attentions.

Sirius traces patterns on her skin, sometimes kissing where his hand strays. In all this time, he has never met a girl who could Confund him with just a look. And yet, he is wholly convinced that he’d be unable to resist Lily if she asked him for another round. It almost feels like the way James makes him feel. Almost.

“What are your plans this Christmas?” Sirius says into her stomach, eyes flicking up to meet green.

“The usual dinner with my sister and parents, we’ll likely be staying home,” Lily strokes his hair.

“Maybe I can visit?” Her hand stops, then starts again. He moves his head up to meet her fingers.

“That would be nice,” she tells him, breathlessly.

.

.

He receives a letter from his father. Barely a letter, more of a note.

Definitely a warning.

Sirius doesn’t get to visit. He doesn’t even write to her.

.

.

“I’m so sorry, Sirius,” Lily sits by his side, facing the lake. Sirius throws another stone and watches it skip three times. “James told me you’ve been staying at his house but I addressed all my letters to Grimmauld Place.”

“I won’t be going back to that house,” is all he says. He is distant, almost repressed around her. Sirius offers his hand for her to take without even bothering to check that no one is around, and that’s when she knows.

“You don’t want to keep going, do you?” Lily queries. She almost wants to ask if it’s because of James, wants to know what the other boy has said. Then feels guilty when she remembers that James has been housing Sirius since the summer, that it was James who sent her to Sirius.

“I don’t think it’s beneficial anymore, you’ve wrung out any experience I can give,” Sirius tells her. He has the decency to flush, but his words have a finality to them.

“Fine,” she replies. Inside she rages a little bit, wants to shout _fuck you, you absolute shite_ , but mostly she can’t help but feel a heavy sadness. Tentatively, Sirius dips his head down to hers. He kisses her slowly, painfully, searchingly. _What are you searching for, Sirius?_ she wants to ask. _Who?_

They break apart and are over without flourish, he has always been good with breakups. They settle back to watching the setting sun, fingers still entwined. Conversationally, he says, “did you know that they named Black Lake after my family?”

“Really?”

“No.”

She laughs and he joins her. And things are all right.

.

.

“Sirius, I’m tired,” James whines. He kicks Sirius’s hand gently, then yawns. Sirius pushes his legs off with an annoyed glance and James gives him a hurt face. “What’s with you?”

“Nothing, Lily’s going to hex me if she finds out I haven’t been working on my part of the paper.”

James moves to look over his shoulder. Sirius is already writing the last paragraph, quill pressed a little too hard on the parchment, ink bleeding out. “Hug to make it better?”

Sirius halts his writing, then lets out a long, tired sigh. “I’d like that.”

“Where is she anyway? Shouldn’t she be helping you out?” James voice is muffled into Sirius’s jumper, he doesn’t see Sirius wince.

“She knew I wanted to finish it,” Sirius fights to keep his voice steady. “Go to sleep, Prongs, I’ll head up in a bit.”

James curls into him further, nuzzles Sirius’s shoulder. “No. I’ll wait up for you.”

.

.

When James finds out, there is a certain light to his eyes, the kind that Sirius is unable to put on him. It makes him feel a range of things—mad, sad, puzzled—but mostly he feels betrayed by his own feelings.

“I’m guessing you’ll be going after Lily again?” Sirius voice is almost acidic. James gives him an odd look, slightly confused.

“Would you like me to?” James finally says, still trying to figure out Sirius’s mood.

“Why not, mate? You’ve liked her for ages, maybe she’ll give it a go,” Sirius smiles so wide that he thinks his face might shatter, eyes just a little crazed. James shutters.

“Sirius.” James tries to reach out for him but Sirius is already standing and making his way out the portrait hole, excusing himself to finish work. James swears and drops a cushion over his face.

Even though their bodies press against each other that night, the air has never felt so cold.

.

.

“Mum burned your name off the tapestry yesterday,” Regulus informs Sirius gleefully, waving a letter in his face in case he ever wanted proof.

“Good for her,” Sirius rolls his eyes. He’s not in the mood, not today. James combed his hair this morning and it definitely was not meant for Sirius.

“I’m going to inherit Grimmauld Place,” his brother states, as if it weren’t already obvious with him running away. Sirius groans and Regulus cackles like he’s finally been able to make Sirius regret leaving home.

“Reggie, I don’t give a damn about that grim, old place,” Sirius snaps, gathering his books. “Now be a dear and piss off.”

He storms out of the library without a backwards glance.

.

.

“What is it about you, Lily?” Sirius fixes his gaze on her so sharply that she shivers. “What is it that makes boys want to change just to get your attention?”

He doesn’t mean to but it’s an insult and she wants to spit out, _well, what is it about you?_ Because he’s Sirius Black and his hair has a magical way of almost but never falling into his eyes. And it disgusts her to see girls tripping on their feet and spending hours painting their faces for a chance at a hello. But his eyes are smouldering and her voice comes out in a whisper. “You never changed.”

Sirius looks at her for another long minute and she thinks that he must hear the way her heart is pumping. For his part, Sirius can also feel their tension. She almost thinks he’s going to kiss her when he crawls from his perch closer to the space between her legs.

“Did I ever have to, for you?”

He moves impossibly closer and she flushes, shaking her head. She breathes in his scent—pine needles and laundry detergent and. _That’s it?_ She swears loudly; Sirius dips his quill into her ink pot, unaffected. He returns to his seat and doesn’t look at her until his essay is finished.

.

.

**vii.**

He should have checked the map to see if James was in the room, then he could have avoided the Gryffindor Tower like dragon pox. In the end, he walks into James buttoning up his shirt and freezes. He’s seen this boy naked and smelled his farts and still, _still_ , James has the uncanny ability to make his heart beat twice as fast.

“You alright?” James raises a brow, finishing up his buttons. Sirius swallows, nods, then drops on to his bed face down. He doesn’t realise James has sidled next to him until the other boy falls down beside his. “Hug to make it better?”

“I’d like that,” Sirius answers reflexively, cursing his treacherous body for accepting the home of James’s touch. James sighs happily, pleased with himself when he feels the tension on Sirius’s shoulders fade. He stays in the position until Sirius finally rolls away.

“How do I look?” James stands still to let his best friend scrutinise him. He protests when Sirius messes up his hair, making an exasperated sound.

“You look better this way, like the real you,” Sirius comments. He looks away from James’s hazel eyes and at his curtains, trying to avoid ogling his best mate too hard. Finally he mumbles, “you shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone else, Prongs.”

“Yeah, well, if it’ll get Lily to say yes,” James rolls his eyes. Sirius says nothing more and refuses to watch as his best friend leaves the room. “Look, I know we haven’t been up to our old tricks in a while but Lily doesn’t like it. And no one really does anymore. Who’s going to love me if I never bother to grow up?”

“Me,” Sirius whispers. But James is already gone.

.

.

“Sirius?” Lily turns her head in his direction, but her eyes are still staring at the lake. He gives a hum of acknowledgement. “James asked me out again.” A pause. “I think I’m going to say yes this time.”

He gives another hum of acknowledgement. Lily’s eyes flick up to stare at his profile, but Sirius is unchanged by the revelation. She realises that he must have known, of course he did. He is both her best friend and James’s. He must have seen the way that she and James have slowly become attracted to each other. Lily flinches when Sirius finally turns his eyes to her, finding that her vision is suddenly blurred with tears.

“I was never going to be a reason for you to say no to him, Lily,” Sirius says flatly, matter-of-fact. Wind blows her hair in his direction, tickling at his face. Sirius tucks a strand behind her ear and swipes her jaw slowly, like he’s cherishing the feel of it.

“Sirius,” Lily half-pleads, she’s not sure what for.

He shrugs, defeated, and merely says, “It’s James.”

_James will always come first._

.

.

If Remus and Peter find it odd that James never comes to Sirius’s bed anymore, they make no comment. He’s Head Boy now, so he gets his own quarters. Still, he sleeps in the dormitories most nights. But he sleeps on his own bed now.

From across the room, Sirius sticks his tongue out at James and is politely greeted by James’s middle finger. He smirks, a too sharp upward tug at his mouth. James reflects the same, slightly-off grin. There is an air of calm, the kind before a storm.

But—

Sirius gives in one last time, exhausted from the full moon the night before and their earlier Charms work. He’s unconsciously pulling James to bed and doesn’t realise until the solid comfort of arms have wrapped around him. James presses a kiss on bared skin and is snoring before Sirius registers the brush of lips on skin.

“Sleep well?” He asks the next morning.

“Best sleep I’ve had in a while,” James can’t help but confess.

But—

James goes back to sleeping on his own bed and the night never repeats itself again.

.

.

“I love her, Sirius.”

 _So do I,_ he wants to snap out. Instead, Sirius keeps looking for his star, mouthing names. James watches the movement of his lips, forgetting that he knows exactly where in the ceiling to point.

.

.

They are alone in James’s quarters, finishing up work away from the usual Gryffindor common room noise. After months, they have finally established a new kind of routine. They are still close, but there is an obvious heaviness between them. The kind that a hug won’t make better.

“I think I’m going to ask her to marry me,” James tells Sirius. The quill that Sirius has been wordlessly dictating to falters, then drops. James waits, he waits for many reactions, he waits for a single kind of reaction that he’s not sure he’ll ever get from Sirius anymore.

“You have the ring with you right now, don’t you?” Sirius guesses, then chuckles when James throws up a small, green velvet box. He catches it with ease and opens the box to find a simple silver band holding a square cut diamond. “Mum’s?”

“Her favourite one, Dad said he’d disinherit me if I ever lose this one,” James recounts the conversation fondly.

“I’m happy for you.” Sirius disrupts James’s thoughts and his heart drops. It is definitely not the reaction he was waiting for. James gives his best friend an unbelieving look, to which Sirius returns with a helpless shrug. “I am. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, you know?”

James looks at Sirius with hooded eyes, says nothing else. He does know.

.

.

**1978**

Sirius buys his own flat and moves out as soon as they graduate. He comes over every Sunday, but Godric’s Hollow no longer feels like home. No place does.

The warmth of James’s arms is the only home Sirius has ever really had.

.

.

“What do you want to wear to the wedding, Padfoot?” James’s voice filters in from the hallway. Sirius takes a drag, thinks,  _really must quit this nasty habit_ , considers the question for a moment to be sure. His answer comes out with a puff of smoke.

“Black.”

.

.

Sirius sweeps in, suit pressed and hair tied back with a simple ribbon. Lily turns and watches his quiet approach until he is near enough to leave the smell of nicotine on her wedding gown.

“I could still love you, if you let me,” Lily whispers, words falling into the silence. Tears are pooling in her eyes, threatening to ruin her Muggle mascara. Her hands grip the bouquet so hard, it might just fall to pieces. “Maybe I already do.”

“Sweet Lily,” Sirius pulls the girl into him. She leans her forehead into his heartbeat, feels the rumble of his chest as he laughs, beaten. “I have always loved you, sweet, sweet Lily. Loved you like I can never have you. And I will love you this way until the day I die.”

The whiff of pine needles, cigarette smoke, and laundry detergent hits her nose and Lily closes her eyes, tucking herself further into Sirius while she still has the chance to know this kind of warmth. Sirius holds her greedily, hands tracing at the exposed back of her wedding dress. They sway, and softly, choked, she sings

_love me tender_

Sirius almost kisses her because he remembers how she feels. Just to have a taste of a life he can never have.

_love me sweet_

He almost whispers, “let’s run,” because they could. She would do it for him without any guilt, and that is why he knows he can’t. Instead, his husky voice so sure, he croons

_never let me go._

But he does, and the moment is over.

Lily moves out of his arms and makes her way to the door just as her father comes knocking. Before she steps out, Lily turns back to give Sirius a smile.

He thinks it must be the most beautiful, heartbreaking thing in the world.

.

.

The second time James ever sees Sirius cry is when the magic of the marriage bond sinks into his skin. Sirius beams at him before pulling his best friend into a crushing hug.

They’ve become quite good at broken smiles, no one can even tell. But James knows.

He makes sure to bare his teeth for the photographer.

.

.

The third time is at Fleamont and Euphemia’s funeral.

.

.

**1979**

When Lily walks into the living room, James’s eyes are staring out, lost.

“Did Sirius ever tell you about when he ran away from home?” James asks suddenly, still so faraway. Tears are suddenly filling his eyes. “Floo’d in right from this fireplace. He’d never cried in front of me before, I still remember the way it sounded. I can still hear it. That man is only ever meant for laughter, Lily.”

Lily takes a seat beside her husband on the couch, worried but staying quiet as she waits for James to collect himself.

“He got into an argument with his parents. Happened often enough, but this one was different.” James carries on in a monotone, then he finally looks into Lily’s green eyes. “It was about you.”

She gasps, surprised and confused. “What do you mean it was about me?”

“Reg told them about Siri’s friendship with you. You can imagine how well that went.” She suddenly remembers how distant Sirius was in the month after the summer. After the Christmas holiday. She remembers their last, painful kiss. “His dad—he never really spoke much, Mr. Black—well he sent a letter over the holidays in our last year and...and—”

“What? What is it?” Lily pushes.

James swallows the lump in this throat before continuing. “He…he threatened to kill you if Sirius ever even thought of dating you.” _If Sirius ever tried marrying you_ , she doesn’t hear him say. Lily stares, hands clenched so hard that her knuckles go white and her nails cut into skin.

“Why are you telling me this, James? Why now?” Lily finally responds. Blood seeps from her palm. She doesn’t even notice.

“Orion Black died yesterday.” James passes her a copy of the Prophet. “Just thought you’d like to know.”

He stands up to give his wife the privacy to cry. (Not for a man she never knew, but the life she never got to have.)

.

.

James expects her to leave. But he wakes up to the kind of cold that means he had not slept alone.

.

.

“Sirius was like water cupped in my hands,” Lily murmurs at the darkness. James shifts so she knows he’s listening. “He slipped between my fingers the same way.”

As an afterthought, she adds, “you have much bigger hands than me.”

He sighs.

.

.

**1980**

James visits one night to announce that _it's going to be a boy!_ , lopsided grin so wide it lights up the entire room. Sirius almost teases him about never getting the protection charms right. But with a ecstatic roar, he’s clapping his best friend in the back and mirroring his smile.

“Best hope the tot looks like her, mate,” Sirius finally manages, arms still clasping him. “I have no idea why she married a troll like you.”

James chuckles and the vibration of his chest moves into Sirius. Sirius freezes up when James says, “me either, Siri.” James still has a grin on his face, but he looks into his best friend’s eyes solemnly.

“Jamie,” Sirius gazes at him, eyes going soft. He drops his arm and moves to step away but James pushes him to the nearest wall.

“Why’d you let me have her, Padfoot?” James asks. Smiles flinch, then slip away, and the breath that they have both been holding since the start of their seventh year has finally been let out.

“She told you?” Sirius croaks. His heart beats furiously in his chest; James can feel it underneath his hands, between the thin layer of his nightshirt. His hand curls itself halfway, gripping at the cloth, straining it across Sirius’s torso.

James gives a shrug, because she didn’t have to. His grip on the shirt loosens as he flattens his hand on Sirius’s chest. “So why did you?”

_Come on, say it. Say it to me. Finally._

Sirius struggles, like he’s trying to keep the secret in. But after all these years, he finally cracks. For a long moment, Sirius doesn’t speak, then he husks, “because I love you, James.”

It was always going to be James.

James will always come first.

Slowly, Sirius lifts a hand to cup James’s cheek and James leans into the solid warmth. “Yeah, I know. And I love you.” He swallows, turns his head to brush a kiss to Sirius’s palm. Gruffly, he says, “you dolt. I was waiting for you.”

James moves to line his lips to Sirius’s with practiced ease, muscle memory guiding them back towards each other. Sirius sighs with pleasure, eyes fluttering closed, and the kiss tastes like

_I will always be waiting for you_

like

_goodbye._

It is the last kiss they ever share. It is the sweetest.

.

.

**1996**

As Sirius falls through the veil, a hurricane of red takes his breath away, like hurricanes do. Lily’s laughter hits his ears, bell-like and sweet. Then—

 _There you are, Siri._ The rush of home overwhelms Sirius, wraps itself around him.

_Here I am, Jamie._


End file.
